Listening is the underpinning foundation of strong relationships. We all like the feeling of being heard. It calms us to know that we’re being listened to. Just watch how quickly a child’s emotional storm can settle when they have the opportunity to speak their truth.
Being listened to slows the whirling matrix down just a little, and it shows us that somebody values us. That we are worth listening to.
Do you have good listening skills? Or do you instead listen to fix a situation, or find ways to be right?
Beyond generating that emotional “warm space” of being heard, our good listening helps other people figure out what’s important to them. Sometimes people don’t even know what’s bothering them until they begin talking it out. Have you ever had that experience where, upon unpacking an issue in the company of a trusted friend, you suddenly have a clearer understanding of the problem? Maybe you see a different side of it. Maybe you’re able to unlock why your emotions around it are so strong. Or maybe it generates a bit of compassion for a peer who has experienced a similar thing. Sometimes you even get a glimpse of what you need to do next.
Listening transforms marriages, work relationships and friendships. It’s no coincidence that the best leaders are excellent listeners. They don’t have all the answers—and they don’t have to. Instead, they take a learning stance, and get curious about the other party’s experience.
Conflict is unresolvable without proper listening. People will not shift until they feel heard.
Big Leap coaches specialize in helping people learn whole-body listening. It’s a skill we break down into four clear steps that you can practice in every single conversation. The fact that you can practice it multiple times a day offers you a very quick mastery curve.
Below I've written out the four clear steps to becoming a great listener, and you can download a great full-colour map here.
Step 1: Prepare to listen.
Ensure you’re in a headspace where you can access the willingness and availability to listen. Choose a state of curiosity and wonder. Commit to listening, and give the other person your undivided attention.
Step 2: Listen.
Your attention is on the speaker, and your work is to notice. Remember to stay in wonder; pay attention to when you slip into judgment, and just return to a curious stance. Notice the speaker’s facial expressions…their tone of voice…the message in their words.
Step 3: Confirm and clarify.
This is where you reflect back what you’ve heard, using statements like "I’m hearing that… " Stay neutral, and let your wondering invite the feelings that the other person is expressing. "I’m wondering how all that is landing for you?"
Step 4: Listen for possibility.
Listen for what the speaker really wants. What’s under the problem? What’s behind it? What is wider than the problem? Reflect that back. "I’m hearing that what you want is…" This part is really powerful, and locks in the sense of “I feel heard.” (Those of you who are familiar with Marshall Rosenberg’s approach in non-violent communication will recognize this step of identifying the other’s need.) Invite your speaker to dive deeper with probes like "Tell me more," and "What interests you about that?"
When you commit to listening with your whole body—ears, eyes, intuition, posture—you’ll find an immediate shift in the quality of your communications and relationships. People tend to feel safe with a good listener who doesn’t judge or need to be right, so keep building your listening skills by practicing these four steps. Your relationships will benefit.
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